Self-Help Advice From a 2-Year-Old
By Jason Good
1. Challenge yourself every day. Try climbing the stairs carrying two soccer balls while wearing your father's shoes. Remember, failure IS an option.
2. De-clutter! Start by throwing all your dishes in the garbage. After that I suggest toothbrushes and important paperwork.
3. Pee on the floor and stomp in it like a puddle. You'll be shocked how much better you feel.
4. Whether the glass if half empty or half full is irrelevant if you dump it out on the sofa. You're welcome.
5. If you're feeling aggressive, or just bored, scream in a cat's face.
6. Don't ever be afraid to hand someone an ice cube while they're on the toilet. That stuff is cold. You don't have to be in pain!
7. Socks are poison. Trust me, don't wear them! Happiness will soon follow!
8. Pound on a computer keyboard like Jerry Lee Lewis playing the piano. Feel better? I thought so. Great Balls of Fire!
9. If you fall down, stay down. Someone will pick you up eventually.
10. Quick thrills fuels the heart. Have you learned to delete things off the DVR yet? DO IT. It's awWwWwEsOmE.
11. Seize the day and the night and the middle of the night and the early morning. Seize everything, y'all! Never stop seizing stuff.
12. Tired of looking at yourself in the mirror? So was I until I met my friend permanent marker. FACE TATTOOS ARE RAD.
13. This might be a tough one, but you gotta trust me: Take a crap in the tub. It's surreal.
14. Live in the moment because there is nothing else. Seriously, there isn't. Not that I'm aware of at least.
15. If you're gonna run, do it at top speed, man. Life is too short to walk in the mall.
16. I've seen God, and his name is iPad. Let us pray.